Sharings by Daniel

This weekend, a moment I very much desired passed me by.  It did not bypass me - I failed to reach out to grasp it.  They say we make our lives, so I am left asking myself, “what have I done?”

Life is such a mix of needs and emotions, and I just froze - shut down.  But I’ll not dwell on the loss, it is a new week and new hope is ripe for the picking.  What wonders are waiting, that just require a little movement to stand in their paths, as they come?  Though life strikes at my heart, I close my eyes in forgiveness and open my arms to today.  What a tragedy was the missing of my heart’s desire; but what a miracle will be this week’s new life.

It is all nice and good to ponder life, to write about it, and to seek for what’s deeper; but such thoughts seem like luxuries when faced with suffering.  I speak not of my own pain, for that merely requires coping - I speak of the pain of someone close.  What peace we may garner in our private moments, and in the intimate support of love, is not something we can just give to another as comfort.  And despite all the rationalizations that I might say to myself to protect me from the pain of empathy, the fact is we are bound to those we love, in pleasure and in pain.

Aging is not an easy process.  For some it is worse than dying, for it requires adapting once again after so many years of life.  Health wavers, mind falters, and moments become more precious.  Memories comfort and haunt, and friends who provided such valued support pass away one by one as the barrier of life expectancy is reached and crossed.  For the elderly, isolation can be the greatest pain.  We spend much of our life investing in deeper values that are supposed to endure, to give peace in the last years; but the nag of an aged body dims the joy that many well-lived years should have given.

I am feeling quite helpless in this moment, to share what spark of life I have to offer with my dear friend.  What words can I say when several hours distance separate us?   Plans have been set for a visit, and now I too must wait.  But even when I visit and take time to listen and to share cheer; even if the conversation should wax to deeper things, I’ll only have a few hours to share.  These days I am not much of a praying man, though I live open to a loving Creator; but my prayer will be…that some spark of hope will be shared, and some relief will be felt - body and soul.

I have been pondering the fact that the theme of my last poem seems to have, perhaps subconsciously, crept up repeatedly in my latest writings.  Exstasis - the standing outside normal perception of reality - is on some level my goal in writing.  I use poetry as a portal to an existential state of mind - to see the bigger picture.  My hope is that it would be an opportunity for any reader to move beyond.

But is it an escape from reality?  Am I dissatisfied with normal perception?

My conscious intent was to develop the theme of ‘moment’ as a slice of time in one’s life that is significant.  But cannot the most ordinary of moments be significant?

I suppose the planets eventually will align, but this morning all the traffic lights were green on my way to work.  There wasn’t the usual traffic, and it seemed like people were clearing the streets so I could get through.  Obviously, they were paying no mind to me, but it’s curious what an impression such a coincidence of events can make.  May your day be filled with green!

Ardent blades burn in sun’s passion.
Fired scarlet, succulent leaves
gather to bear the bloom.

Fervent petals waft in sultry air
like excited flames, goaded
by a mesmerized smithy.

Enraptured I stare in stillness.

In a sky of virescence, I float
looking down in my mind to
that crimson eye-flood.

Stoke the heart-head inferno,
Loosed in a bang of distractions consumed,
and
rest in the ever ember-ashes of now.

A measurement of time we call a “second?”  A heart beat?  A blink of the eyelid?

If it’s just a time slice, how is it that one moment is more important than the next?
Moments are phenomena of our perception.  It holds “import” to us and therefore stands out.  Imagine a field of lush, verdant grass…why would one solitary bloom of scarlet catch our eye?  Our mind packages together the million blades into a “field” with seemingly comparable weight as the one bloom - both components of the landscape.  What piques the interest of the mind to prioritize Color as enough reason to glorify the solitary flower?
Sunday, two blooms stood in the field together; how ironic that there should be any fear in our minds that, in our diversity, we would stand out.

In all my years of employment, I never came out to the whole office or volunteered my being a gay man.  Today, I proudly took my partner and love to the company picnic.  He is a wonderful man, and the time was right to share him with my co-workers.  I have been two years at my present job, but this is the first event held by the company where family was invited.  He was well received.

I have always taken a don’t ask, don’t tell approach, based on my assumption that if someone wanted to know about my personal life, they would ask.  I have no difficulty sharing openly about most aspects of my life, given the opportunity.  If someone asked me if I were gay, I’d say yes.  But I have been reluctant to give out the information to those who may not want to know.  After two years of waiting for a chance to say more about myself, I felt it was time, and my dear companion was up to the challenge.  You never know how people may react, but as my boss said, “I think it’s great you feel comfortable enough to bring your partner.”

I mention this small step in my life, as I ponder why I started this blog: an experiment in honesty and transparency.  What does it mean to be honest?  Does it mean answering “yes” when asked?  Or saying “I am gay” when others go on and on about their wife and kids?  Ultimately life is a series of moments we sift through, learning from each how better to respond to the next, and growing in the wisdom of knowing when.  Today, the time was right, and I’m glad I did not let the moment go by.

There is a shore by the ocean bright
where the sand lies softly warm
waiting for your hard and weary feet.

On that shore, lap crystal clear waves,
that play and leap and laugh in the sun,
waiting for your worn and heavy hands.

In those waves, move currents deep,
that can carry away the body’s weight,
waiting for your dusty and parched soul
to awaken…

Deep calls to deep.

As your feet stand buried in a trillion
diamond grains, wealth beyond imagination,
your hands dancing on the wavetops, sending
rhythms of joy through your bones,
Lie back on the waters that give life,
Let creation carry you back to the Creator.

You could never leave Her arms,
and all our cares were His first, so
we only seek now to serve, to
smile when we see a face, to
sing when we hear a melody, to
dance when our souls are lifted
by a breath.

It was made all for you,
to share and enjoy,
for our glory and pleasure
is in our delighting.

Resplendent
Yet veiled in the plainness of my finitude
Glorious
A web of more echoing wavelets than I can attend to
Beauty
You are both the song and each note inside each note
One
What is, simply is, in all its complexities

Oh, Reality, you simple are before me
I speak to you?  Because you speak to me.
Though you have no voice, no limbs,
no complicity in my humanity.
I speak in thoughts, in actions
like a fish drowning in the wide ocean,
thrashing about, forgetting simply to breathe.
My thoughts give no testimony that I see you
But only ramble babbling forth from my restlessness.

I thought I heard something…

I hear but do not comprehend, I see but no image enters me
I feel and shudder as a shiver races down my spine.

Who are you?
Your symmetric order betrays the fact of your intelligence
What is your name?
Though I have never met you, I’ve known you my whole life.
The others speak of you in legends,
in words that bear your life.

The thing about legends and language and stories
from long ago is they have always fallen short.
Who do I say that you are?
How shall I say?  when my answer is a thousand memories bubbling up
from within me, face after face echoing emotions, joys and pains, lies
and revelations of truth.
Even if I could enunciate the sum of my experience,
synthesizing so many disparate echoings into a simple matrix, even if
my mind could hold such a perfect ordering (which would surely be
beyond my mental ability), I would be speechless.

Such a conception would be like a ship built within a glass bottle
whose neck allows but a penny through.

But there is a way to get the ship out…if not by language, then by a
projection of its image, carefully focused by our will into action.
Thus all the experiences that crafted that fragile matrix need not
speak, but rather lend the sparkle to one’s eye that tells another you
understand and it is good.  When the river of one’s actions runs pure,
it paints a more colorful image of what’s in one’s heart than any words
or canvas can convey.

When one finds…

More words from Jenny:
From where I am, what makes me happy is a flowing feeling of love and beauty, so I am attracted to pleasures and dread pains like all of us. Nothing can change that.
…
My question is: Is there beauty and love in pain as well as in pleasures? I think it is up to each of us to find it out till the inner self inside of us smiles and says: “Aha”!   Certain things in life surely give me lots of pleasures and… pains. My work is to see where the beauty and love lie in them. Especially to see that I am capable of love and beauty myself, not just appreciating it but giving it and inspiring it.
…
Then there is a painful part of it. Does that prove pleasures and pains can not be separated? If they are not separate, why separate them? Maybe from the pains, I can learn to handle the pleasures associated with them? Again the question comes back: “Is True Nature separate from Human Conditions?  Do they separate from pleasures and pains? I don’t know the answer. I only hope I ask the right question.
…
Let the pain sharpen my awareness and hold the torch high on the path, the path to self liberation. Pleasures certainly come mellow, sweet and absolutely enjoyable. I welcome them, thank them and let them go when they go. On the other hand, I should remember that pains can come from…loving, and compassion …from pains.
link

After reflecting on her words, I came away with this sentiment:
Have faith in yourself that, given time apart from the daily stress,
your thoughts and feelings will flourish if allowed to be yourself.
Let go of the fear and anxiety and be that radiant person who is cherished.

One of the most significant people in my life is my dear friend, Jenny Hoang.  Although our paths have parted over time, I remain deeply enriched by her friendship.  I took the time to read some of her blog stories (under Jenny’s Writings in English), and would like to share some of her wise words:

One day it just dawned on me that what really matters was the intensity and truthfulness of the experiences at the moment. Time has nothing to say about it.
link

The quote pales when taken out of the context of the wonderful story, so please read of her remarkable life, but how powerful is that momentary dawning when we realize the fetters of what we perceive as time and aging and distance, are revealed to be ephemeral.  That voice of “I” that speaks of time only clouds what little we know of the depth of our individual timelessness.

-
One thing I know for sure at this very moment is that I have plenty of love and sympathy for everyone on this earth. The seed of this wonderful feeling has been with me all the time but I, being overwhelmed by the ups and downs of survival, did not pay attention to it, let alone nurturing it. Hardships of different kinds inside and outside have taken turn to conceal it and have tried to damage it. Half a century has passed by, now that I look back, the love has never been concealed or damaged. On the contrary, it fed on itself and grew and grew and waited and waited…for me to be ready.
…
Ready to have both feet on the ground and smile and be proud. Be proud of what I am and of what I am not.
link

Jenny’s words affirm how life can be a struggle, and I find such hope in that faith and insight into self that is able to look deeper.

-
She was very sad and had no hope in a turning around from…wars. I myself maintained that Humanity never dies, and nobody has ever to die because of it. For Humanity is the expression of the Universal Truth, like the Sun or the water at the bottom of the sea. The clouds may seem to chase the sun away sometimes, but *it* is always there. The hurricane may cause the waves to ravage the sea at times but hurricanes and winds are part of ephemeral happenings; When they leave, the ocean will be calm again. That is water in its natural and genuine state.
link

I love this imagery - it brings it down to earth, so I can understand it.  True genius isn’t the ability to conceive of higher truth, but rather the ability to explain it to children.  I am reading How to See Yourself As You Really Are by the Dalai Lama, and he explains this teaching as well, that all that changes in the world is ephemeral, and to free oneself from pleasure and pain is to see things as “dependent arisings,” in the context of all other changing, and not to mistake it for real existence.

Here begins the adventure.  I’ve been a blogger through various stages of my life.  Here begins a new attempt at transparency - to share with anyone curious or interested in my thoughts and writings.  I hope to pique your sense of awe at the universe in all its dimensions, both external and internal.  And invite your participation with comments, critiques, and sharing your personal discoveries and musings.